6-23-07

Today we went to the internet in the morning. It is such a blessing to get posts and emails from friends that are praying for me and thinking of me and supporting me. It means so much to me.

At 11ish we got in a matatoo (van) and headed to Awer (away) IDP camp. The history here is that the UPDF told the people of northern Uganda that they had X amount of days (maybe 2) to move into these camps a few years ago so that they could protect them from the LRA easier. Unfortunately, they were not able to protect them completely and there were many raids on the camps. Now that the conflict is over (at least for now) the people are still in these camps because they really don't have anything to go home to. For most of them their gardens, fields, and live stock are gone and even their homes are not in livable condition. As for the kids, the schools are not there. Most have been displaced closer to the camps. Invisible Children is really trying to implement programs and repairs to help these people get out of this situation. One way is the bracelet campaign. The bracelets are made in the camps by the people there to help them make some money. There are small financial assistance opportunities and initiatives to try to foster economic independence and growth.

On the way there I felt very strange. I have learned a term, conflict tourism, and I felt that I was doing that. I wanted to see the braclet makers and meet them and such but the fact that we had to go to this camp made me feel uneasy.

That is a constant tension here. What am I doing and what are my motivations? I do not want to become the oppressor and it is so hard because you are viewed that way because of your skin. Automatically you are right and an expert or here to display your power or dominance or spend all this money that you have in your pocket. It is a tension that I am aware of and try to be conscious of when making decisions and in interactions. It doesn't seem to be such an issue in the classroom because I think that my teacher really understands that I am here learning and to give ideas and to exchange but not to change or teach or implement but it was an issue in the camp. We went with our group of 6 teachers, megan and Christine (HEALS volunteers) and Valerie and her friend who works in Rwanda.

When we arrived we drove right up to the hut where the bracelet makers were. We sat with them for a few minutes and heard walter, the leader of the makers, speak about what they do and how they are chosen and also the extra programs he has implemented like the micro-loans and vision for the future. It is good to know that he is thinking ahead because he even said that the bracelet making will not be forever and hopefully they will not be in the camp too much longer. The bracelet makers are chosen. Many are widows or widowers, returnees, disabled, and child mothers. Even in that I think that there is tension. Obviously we did not witness it but I am sure that there is hostility towards the people who are chosen.

Then we were given "jobs" to do. It felt very contrived and sort of like a cover to come see the camp.

Phil and bryan pumped water and filled jerry cans and carried them to the huts. It seemed great but the act of carrying a woman's jerry can is not looked upon favorably. They are given a hard time for not carrying it themselves and especially if it is a man carrying it and a munu at that. They said that some people got upset when their jerry can wasn't getting filled. Amy informed us that sometimes there is a pecking order and not really about first come first served. She wasn't there with us. And the thing is is that walter gave us our jobs and set us there with directions that seem maybe to have been not what the people there want. It makes me think of that oppressor mentality that sometimes the oppressed take on the job and nature of their oppressors even to their own people.

Megan and seth sold items in the little market area. Pretty much they just sat there and talked with the people. But it seemed very strange because they just sat by these people who really didn't have any interest in sitting with them.

Catherine, margo, and I cleaned out this old room at the clinic and moved boxes of supplies into it. I mean I guess that was work that needed to be done but I definitely felt strange thinking about these people sitting there waiting all day to be seen by the few nurses and doctors while I come in in my name brand sneakers and capris and move some boxes like I am actually doing something. Its that tension of the desire to help and the idea that you may be doing more harm than good.

Much of the feelings these people have about whites comes from colonialism and oppression.

It is kind of odd writing this now because it is actually Monday the 25th. So I have had more time to process things and I am assuming my feelings will even change more as I am here longer. So this issue will come up again and different perspectives of it will arise.

So after we got back we just sort of hung out at the house for the afternoon, played scrabble and sort of regained our breath.

I took a shower, which is always an event, and just sat around thinking. I wasn't reflecting intentionally it was just one of those times that your brain keeps thinking and you really have no control over it.

One thing that came to my mind that is really hard to swallow is that there is a little part of this experience that is just for me. Its not about serving or giving or anything it is about me and what the Lord wants to teach me here. Being in an IDP camp seeing these things made me feel so selfish. Like I was there just to have the experience. Wrestling with that has been challenging.